Uh, what?
by Yutyl's REquiem
Summary: Just compilation of random oneshots that may or may not connect (or make any sense at times)! Rated M for a 'bit' of swearing and a 'bit' of explicit contents. Crack fics... for now.
1. If my brain were an imaginary friend

**Chapter One**

**-If My Brain were an Imaginary Friend-**

**Soooo, this was just something that popped up in my mind after reading the comic with the same name. It's supposed to be crack and random, so don't take it seriously!**

* * *

There once lived a girl named Rin. Or rather, lives, since, technically, she's not dead, yet. I mean, everyone dies sometime, sooner or later, and then depending on how much evil shit people did in their lives they either get sent to heaven or dragged down to hell. It's like, going up to heaven is getting a first-class seat on an international flight, where naked women give you foot massage and feed you grapes, while down there in hell is like the economic class, shitty chairs, people farting and throwing up just about all over the place, while the stewards and stewardesses collect up the soggy bits of whatever people ate a week ago in lunch trolley, then shoving the bile-y goodness down their throats. Yeah, not very aesthetically pleasing view, really.

Anyways, back to Rin. So she's a girl, obviously, and she has a friend, obviously, and he's named Len, obviously. And did I mention 'he' was her brain? Yeah, not so obvious…

Putting aside the obvious facts due to obvious reasons which may or may not be obvious to the audience, Rin discovered that she had a 'roommate' sharing the same lump of gray matter within her cranium. At first, she freaked out when this voice suddenly called out her name, because let's be honest, who _wouldn't _want to hear voices in their head?

_Hey Rin!_

"Uh, what?"

_Hey Rin!_

"Um, who's there?"

_Hey Rin!_

"…"

…

"…Hello?"

_Hey Rin!_

Pretty awesome, right? Right?!

So she was hearing voices (just one) in her mind, check. She was talking back to it, check. What else…?

She really didn't know what the hell was going on, so she just decided to name him 'Len', named after the guy she had this _massive _crush on. It also helped that they sounded the same, too. So, Len.

Not only did they sound the same, but the imaginary Len was very helpful, too, 'speaking' out whenever she was stuck, like that time during her maths test.

_Oooh! I know this one! It's the inverse of fuckthis times the x of that squiggly line over on the top of the paper where you write your name and adding whatever number you like the most! By the way, that orange this morning was pretty good! The way how you were licking that banana while thinking of your not-yet-boyfriend-you-want-to-fuck-like-bunnies was really hot and stimulating! And that one time…_

Suffice to say, she got perfect score for the test that day. How did that happen? I dunno, but hey, in this world, anything, and I mean _anything _is possible. So hypothetically speaking, Rin could become a tyrannical queen at the age of fourteen and happily cut off her subjects' hands for her garden decoration.

Oh wait, she's already done that…

_Forgot your password? I think you got it tattooed on your ass, but since you punched the mirror the last time it laughed at your hair, I'll just say some random shits that makes no sense whatsoever so that you'll forget what the hell you were doing to begin with, much less remember the password for your computer that you need to finish the homework that was like, due yesterday. So here it goes; afkjasdklf;jweioa;gnxmcklgzxmgziaejnfmzd., ….._

Rin was a klutz, and for a good reason…

_The cellphone you had in your hand 5.74 seconds ago? Beats the shit out of me. And oh hey, this is the part where I make you trip over a stray particle of dust that's floating around few feets away from where you're standing now, invisible. You know what they say, it takes skill to trip over flat surfaces!_

She also slept together with imaginary Len, not _that _way mind you. Just in the same bed, under the same cover, lying on the same pillow. It was really comforting, in a way, 'his' presence was somewhat soothing…

_Oh hey, I see that you're seconds away from falling asleep. Allow me to take this time to make your body itch everywhere, so that you'll spend the next few hours of your life scratching the parts of your body you didn't even know they existed!_

Imaginary Len was also caring, kind and considerate, listening and giving undivided attention to the woes of the doom and gloom;

"…So that's how we broke up. But it still hurts, you know? Oh Rin! What am I supposed to do now?!"

_Hey, remember that time you saw a koala masturbating at the zoo and it threw up aloe leaves all over its own crotch? That shit was hilarious!_

"Heehee-pffft-hmmkk-hahahahaha!" Rin just couldn't help but laugh, what could she say? Imaginary Len who also happened to be her brain/conscience/mind-thing could just tickle her funny bone. The furious look on Miku's face made her stop laughing though. A little.

Oh right! Imaginary Len encouraged her to confess to her long time crush, giving her the much needed confidence boost when she blurted out her confession…

_Ah, here comes your not-so-secret crush! This is the perfect time to blurt out random words instead of getting out those cheesy I-love-you's, make blood rush to your face to make you an equivalent of a rotten human tomato, then proceeding to drag him to some unused storage room and suck his face off! Don't worry, he'll find your stammer cute! Actually, if you give him some lap dance while stripping naked he won't even remember his name, much less whatever crap you spurted out!_

So she did confess, and much to her joy, Len (the real one, not the one in her mind) accepted. She, of course, took 'his' (the imaginary one this time, not the real one) advice and dragged him off to some unused storage room. What they did then and there… well, I'll leave it up to your imagination. I'm sure your minds are dirty enough to come up with something to satisfy your sick fantasies… pervs.

So years went past, she and Len were still a loving couple who gave each other pet names and did whatever couples in love did in public… what, no, they didn't do _it _on public! …Yet…

Turns out, imaginary Len (okay, I'll just call him 'IL', it's a lot easier to write/type that way…) wasn't quite ready to move out of her head, however morbid it sounds. That, and it gave _great _advices when it came to… ahem, _mating rituals…_

_Oh, I see your having sex. Allow me to take this time to- no wait, that's not right, you're doing it wrong! You're supposed to bend over like _this! _Not like that! Yes, yes! That's better, and ohhh yeaaahhh, listen to him moaning. This is the part where you tie him up and ravage him, take some control for once! Show him how aggressive you can be! _

Thanks to IL, sex that night was just flat out _amazing_.

_Yeah, except the fact that the guy who was boning her was pretty much her opposite sex clone, so in a way, it's like having sex with a mirror. Eh, to each his, er, her own, anyway…_

(Un)fortunately, IL took an addiction to their, ahem, _bedtime activities, _so much so that 'his' every words were laced with sexual innuendos and suggestive remarks…

_Hahaha! Check out that cucumber, if you 'nip it in the bud' it would look like a circumcised dick! And hey, if you want to know whether a cucumber tastes good, just squeeze it, squuuueeeezzzeee it tight, and if it squirts stuff out, then it's good to 'eat'. Reminds you of something, doesn't it? And you know that Len likes his meat _juicy _and _tender _and _tight, _right? Hey, that rhymed! _

"Oh my FUCKING GOD! WHAT THE FUCK!"

Yep, Rin wasn't too happy with IL's incessant gibbering, and shouted out the first thing that came in her 'mind'. It kinda makes you wonder…

_Makes you wonder whether if its you thinking or just stuff I'm telling you to do? Or maybe I don't exist and this is all just a figment of your imagination, or maybe you're just asleep and this'll be a dream, or maybe a cat/pop tart hybrids are flying around and shooting rainbows out of their ass, and you'll realise that this is just like that matrix where you-_

She had it with these (this) muthafuckin' transcendental spiritual mental _thing _and its/his internal monologue, so considering that enough was enough she decided to give it/his a piece of her 'mind'.

_Shut up, you imaginary Len! You've spent the last few years trolling around, 'bout time you, I dunno, get the fuck out of my head? Just PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAAAAD!_

…_You want mayo on that?_

Rin fumed, frothing in the mouth as she cursed and raged at the sky for her cruel fate. Just who, oh _who _in the world was so cruel as to torture her like so!

_Hahaha, umadbro?_

"FFFFFFUUUUUUUU-!"

* * *

**...Yeah...**

**This was based on the comic strip with the same name, and the dream I had not so long ago, except it wasn't imaginary Len but a talking chocolate cake...**

**Ah, troll!Len... lol xD**

**If I accidentally offended anyone, then my apologies! It wasn't my intention! **

**So how was it? My first attempt at writing humour! **

**R & R!**


	2. Haha, so punny!

**Chapter Two**

**"A pun is a short quip followed by a long groan." - Anonymous**

* * *

Two special agents were on a mission. They were tracking down an evil criminal named Ayuta who, apparently, was caught in the security camera of a bakery store while stealing batches of chocolate cakes. Since stealing chocolate cakes was a federal crime, two of the best agents of VOCALOID units of CIAO (Crypton Intelligence Artificial Ops – or, if you'd prefer, Crapping In An Observatory) were sent to put an end to Ayuta's nefarious deeds.

Right now Miku and Kaito, under special aliases, were currently setting up a trap for the said criminal, which involved putting up a giant cage in the middle of the street, with a box of chocolate cakes placed in the centre as bait. He wouldn't know what hit him until it was too late! The trap was flawless!

"Kaito-"

"Hey, we're on a mission! We're supposed to use some strange names that practically gives away our true identity, because no one will ever suspect it's us!"

Miku sighed, "Fine, _Iceman_. I was just telling you to stay frosty, since the mission isn't over yet."

Oh boy, there she goes…

"Can you stop that? Stop making fun of me!" 'Iceman' pouted.

"Whoa, chill out! Just messing with you!"

"Hmph…"

"Oh stop giving me those cold shoulders. We do this all the time, remember?"

"And I keep telling you to stop, but you just don't listen!" 'Iceman' harrumphed as he adjusted his black shirt he wore underneath his black cloak, complete with the black hat and black sunglasses he wore in broad daylight, in the centre of the most crowded part of Crypton city, standing next to a giant cage that reflected light everywhere. Well, black was a colour for stealth, right? So it made sense that wearing all black in broad daylight made him like a ninja, right? No one would ever notice him, since he's wearing all black! Yeah!

"Wait! Icy him! Over there!" Miku said excitedly, pointing at another figure dressed all in black crawling towards the cage, often stopping to turn and look around for potential threats. Yeah, 'cause dressing in overall black outfits in broad daylight made you totally invisible! And wearing shady looking sunglasses and black hats _didn't_ make you look like a shady person! Really!

"Cool! No wait-! Damnit!"

"Hahahaha!"

Kaito grumbled, "Haha, so punny, my ass…"

"Hold it, he's escaping! Freeze!"

Yep, it looked like the nefarious chocolate cake criminal (NCCC) somehow managed to see through their flawless trap and was running off with the chocolate cake box tucked in his arms.

Kaito was furious, how could the trap fail! It was perfectly set up! And no, placing a giant metallic cage in the middle of the street was _not _obvious, of course not!

"Leek Girl, we have to give chase, get him! If we let him escape-"

"No way, hell would freeze before we let him run off again!"

Kaito cried.

Skipping through the next few hours the two special agents wasted on chasing after a chocolate cake thief, since the author who also _happened _to share the same name as the NCCC couldn't be bothered to write out the details, we'll just fast-forward to the part where the two special agents got captured, and is currently strapped on torture tables, with lots and lots of sharp knives neatly stacked up on the wall.

"Now, tell me who sent you after me!" The NCCC yelled, waving a knife around as the two agents looked on in terror.

"Let's see, we'll start with _you, _young lady!" Laughing NCCC took out a chainsaw, revving it up. He cackled, "Don't worry, it won't hurt – much! At the least, even if I start with your left arm, you'll be all right in the end!"

Kaito groaned, "Someone please kill me…"

NCCC looked up, "Was that a request?"

"Nonononononono! No, it wasn't! Just carry on!"

Leek Girl looked horrified, "Iceman, how could you be so cold-hearted? Don't you even care that he's about to cut me up? How could you do this to me, you jerk!"

Turning back to face NCCC, she calmly said, "Alright, icy how it is. I tell you the secrets, and you let me go, _just _me, deal?"

NCCC shrugged, "Deal."

"W-wait! Miku, don't! If the CIAO found out that you were leeking information on purpose-"

So the two bickered and argued for hours. NCCC, who got bored after watching the whole performance, simply got up and left, and was never seen again… unless you owned a bakery store, _then _you'd probably see him around.

As for the two… well, let's just say they somehow got out, ran away to an abandoned arena and fought to the death. Who won? It would be easier to assume who _didn't _win…

* * *

"Form a sentence that contains the word, 'Harassment'."

The teacher called out, and Len, seeing the perfect opportunity, decided to speak up. "Teacher, may I?"

The teacher nodded, and watched as Len got up from his seat, took his twin sister's hand in his, and led them both to the front of the class. Rin, blushing at his gesture, watched in silent adoration as he said, "As you all know, Rin here is the most important girl in my life. She's my number one princess, the number one princess in the whole world."

The class 'Awwed' at his sweet confession, and Rin's blush deepened. "Having said that, everything about her is endearing, her cute snores, her sexy hair, her beautiful voice, all of it! And most of all, her-ass-meant a lot to me!"

Suffice to say, he had to stay behind after class to clean the class broom closet. The good thing was, Rin stayed behind to 'help' him. How she did that, well, there's a reason why this fic is rated 'M', and besides, perverted endings win!

* * *

In the world of periodic table, elements were moving about, preparing a surprise party for their newest neighbour, Ah. Why was he/it named like that? Because his/its new neighbours surprised him, making him go 'Ah!' The element of surprise, indeed…

Meanwhile, a neutron walked into the bar, sitting on a stool close to the bartender, his friend. They went way back, so when the neutron asked, "Hey, mate! How much you takin' for those vodka?" the bartender slapped him heartily on the back, and said, "For you, old friend, no charge."

ooOoo

"So, uh, Len?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you reading books on chemistry jokes?"

"Why not? They're Au-some!"

Rin groaned, "Please, Len, just shut up!"

"Hey, wanna hear a good one? When magnesium and oxygen went out, everyone was like 'OMg', geddit?"

Insert facepalm.

"Yeah, most appropriate reaction."

"Len, shut up."

* * *

**Ah, groan-inducing puns... gotta love 'em! xD **


End file.
